Day 29: Re-introducing Benjamin

Hello everyone!

Given that I had to write two posts this evening, originally I was planning on Day 29 being super disappointing and irrelevant. However, after my reply to this post received more likes than the original, Benjamin Williams has returned for a second appearance in a week! To talk about something maybe a bit more…easy to understand this time. At least for a few of you…

Thanks again to Benjamin, and enjoy!

I’ve been brought back to help Daniel suffer through his poor life choices.

Fun fact: I’m ginger

Less fun fact: I am called a carrot person

More fun fact: Dolphins are still endangered. Hehehe.

So, I am called a carrot. This is not only confusingly offensive, ““Oi, root vegetable dickhead!” (?)”, but also factually incorrect. If I were to be a carrot in this sense, I would have green hair and be from Essex, hence carrots are obviously victimised in society as no-one truly sees them as who they are, orange with green hair.

I could have written this about real stereotypes and prejudices, but they don’t interest me. Gingers are systematically insulted throughout their lives, unless they are beautiful and/or Ron Weasley, but the question is why?

*Insert pictures of Nicole Kidman (or any famous awesome ginger) and Rupert Grint looking awful*

(A message from Daniel: Amy Adams is cooler than Nicole Kidman AND more ginger. Take that Benjamin!)

Well let’s look at history. Traditionally, Satan has been seen as a ginger goat, yet the goat community have not suffered at all from this. I assume this causes the God-fearing to hate the auburn race, but what else? Gingers have always been associated with having tempers, because obviously our heads are burning, cos they are orange? Geddit? #banter.  Oddly enough, this actually happens nowadays because gingers are victimized to the point of exhaustion.

Maybe it’s similar to the victimisation of black people? I mean, the first modern slaves were Irish, and some must have been ginger. It’s the initial fear of a difference in physical appearance that causes people to insult and keep gingers at a distance, because change is scary, and the world is full of wimps.

The range of insults always confuses me as well. I understand many, such as Duracell™ or Wotsit, but some of the origins of these insults are mysterious. For example, why are gingers called ginger nuts? Why are they called ginger in the first place? We would have to delve into linguistics to find out, and it would probably relate to some sort of Celtic, because they have the largest concentration of gingers,  but how did that come to mean the same thing as a spicy herb? (It’s a herb, I checked Wiki)

South Park is also responsible for this abuse. I mean, many people were pretty neutral about gingers, had a friend who was ginger, didn’t really care about freckles or whatever. But now, we are like vampires, because we burn in sunlight, freckles are marks of the devil and we have no soles. #nogingerfishmongers

I’m kind of waiting for the most recent cultural revolution to fully finish. Currently, “redheads” are being seen more and more as a desirable thing in women, with ginger-philiac traffic on pornography websites shooting up in recent years.

So, all of you gingers out there, gear up for a huge amount of sexual intercourse in future, and do more thigh exercises, because the revolution is going to be upon us, and you better be ready.

Thanks, Benjamin

PS: Ed Sheeran is a bit shit though

Day 25: An Alternative Perspective On Dolphins

Hello everyone!

Amidst the rush to make up on the posts I missed during my mocks before the deadline on the 30th, I’ve been (un)lucky enough to earn myself a guest writer…Benjamin. Some of you may remember this ginger-haired fellow as the guy with whom I have a deal regarding video games (he even said he’d buy it for me on Steam…but I don’t have Steam *evil grin*). Being the sort of guy who wants to make his opinions known to everyone, no matter how mad, he has written a post on something very close to his heart: dolphins. More specifically, dolphin hating.

I am aware of how irrational this sounds, but I’ll post his opinions below, and then I’ll be making some sort of reply in the next post. But for the meantime…here’s Benjamin!

I hate dolphins.

As quoted from A Chronicle of a Death Foretold by the late Gabriel Garcia Marquez, in the original Spanish, “Pensaba que su serenidad no era inocencia sino cinismo,” or in English, “I thought his calmness was not due to innocence, but instead cynicism.” This is relevant because in my eyes, dolphins that you see playing in the sea or being used in therapy are actually just biding their time until they can overthrow their human overlords and kill us.

Now, as this is a blog, and you were expecting something based on music or Ebola instead of me, you would expect a lacklustre rant. But I assure you, you are mistaken!

I have compiled a large database of dolphin knowledge over the last few years; it doesn’t hurt to know your enemy.

So for starters, dolphins kill lots of things… It has been observed in nature that dolphins will attack porpoises without reason, which is pretty evil when you consider that they are related somehow biologically and porpoises are smaller and weaker. They also bully other types of dolphin, e.g. if a bottlenose wandered into a group of flat nosed dolphins, he would be bitten and attacked relentlessly, sometimes even killed! Dolphins have also been seen to “play” with birds by attempting to drag them underwater and playing catch with small sea creatures. Modern dolphins would call that “banter.”

Dolphins even kill children, human children! If little Timmy floated off on an inflatable while you were embroiled in an argument with your spouse who looks a lot fatter than she did 4 years ago, when they find his body, it could be covered with dolphin bite-marks.

Also, there have been many cases of dolphins going “mental” and attacking people. Tikkum the orca killed 3 trainers in Seaworld, the people who fed and cared for him. Tiao the dolphin killed someone and injured 29 others in open water, when they were trying to be friendly. George the dolphin hospitalized 2 adults, bit children and tried to push a child out to sea.

Not. Nice.

I have a Big Issue™ with Dolphin-Friendly™ fish as well. I think it wastes a lot of money and makes the whole process more inefficient. First of all, it doesn’t even work effectively. Only the fishing of Albacore fish is completely dolphin-friendly, so someone may have killed Flipper for your tin of John West tuna. Plus why should we have to protect dolphins? They are apex predators in their environment; one or two getting caught in a net won’t make a difference as they thrive by being top of their food chain. Also, if people eat shark, why do they not eat dolphin? That would be a cool thing to try!

But I will attempt to add some credibility by balancing my argument a little. It may be the humans’ fault, but it may be the dolphins’ fault also. Mitzi the dolphin, who played Flipper in the TV show, killed itself. Now, this could be due to the overwhelming glamour of the modern Hollywood lifestyle, or that even the creature itself didn’t believe that it deserved life and committed suicide honourably. Swimming with dolphins is illegal without a permit, so, does that mean that people can’t be trusted with the dolphins unsupervised, or can dolphins not be trusted with us????

When dolphins are caught for study or for Seaworld, they are caught inhumanely and killed if they escape, so maybe it’s our fault they don’t like Seaworld. Then again, everyone likes Seaworld, so I find that hard to believe. Flipper’s trainer hated looking after his dolphin so much that now he is trying to stop dolphin captivity. Either that or he hated the conditions they were living in, I don’t remember. Plus, there has been no credible evidence of dolphin therapy working. You could say it is a Plaice-ibo. Ha…. Oh dear….

But to conclude, I think dolphins are evil, but then again, who I am to think that? As a human, a member of a species that has killed millions of other creatures, all of whom did not deserve it as much as dolphins, maybe we are the most evil…

PS: Dolphins are still c***s